I've spent most of my life trying to get away. Going out, spending the night at friends' houses. I could never stand being at home. Home was a ticking bomb concocted from hordes of daycare kids, no space and the constant weighty pressure of my arguing parents. Now my dad is gone and I find myself doing the same thing. I'm always keeping myself overly busy; always going out. As a result I wasn't really letting things get to me when everybody else was. But now things are starting to slow down and I find myself at home, alone, far too often. Now the sadness has really set in. I find myself awake at four in the morning just crying. Crying because of more factors than I could ever even hope to recall. I've started to make a tangible effort to be at home more often. I've already decided to forfeit my ticket to Bonnaroo. And now I'm alone, here. My mom and sister are always out. It's ironic. I'm staying home to be close to the people that need me -the people I need- and now they're gone. I've missed the boat for being sad. That ship has sailed. People were telling me left and right that I could call them for advice, to vent; anything. But I feel like that offer has expired now.
So now I'm up every morning until four, crying because now I'm the foundation of this family. I didn't ask for this. I never signed up to volunteer as being the bricks and mortar for a family! Crying because before my dad became a full-time prick, he was actually a pretty great guy. I watched a man dissolve before my eyes. Slowly, but surely he was reduced to an irate fool, stumbling around the house, covered in his own filth, bleeding along the floors, yet still barking orders at everyone within reach as if he was a four-star general. I fucking hate him for doing this to me. I miss who he was. I hate who he became. I hate him for so much that he has done to me and to my sister. I don't believe that alcoholism is a disease. I believe that he was weak. I've got too much to stick around for; too much to accomplish to burn away because of something as foolish as booze. I don't like my situation, but it's not my place to like it. It's my place to deal with it and take care of my family, now.
Current Mood: melancholy
Current Music: Cat's in the Cradle